Espatier
by ExtraPenguin
Summary: <html><head></head>Future human AU with an expy of the Cold War a-raging. No, this is not a previously undocumented case of SwitzFinn, they're just the two main viewpoint characters. Hopefully better than it sounds. Expect rating and Genre2 to change.</html>
1. Ein einsamer Seele

Sorry for the delay on the Democratic People's Republic of Awesome this has been causing, but I just had to write it~

Future SF human AU.

Espatier = Space Marine

* * *

><p>"<em>Ronja, you idiot! We can't divorce! Think of Juha! He's only ten, he couldn't survive in two households! It's- it's abnormal!"<em>

"_Fuck you too, Nikita. We're not working. Face it, you are an unemployed idiot hillbilly with delusions of being worth a fuck, and I'm the one holding up the household. Isn't that against your old-fashioned little set of morals? What are you going to do __to compensate__, declare war on homosexuals?"_

"_You had your PhD revoked because of plagiarism charges, and last time I checked, you worked part-time in a department store!"_

"_At least I get paid to do something, rather than __just __mooching off social security!"_

"_I don't 'mooch off' social security, I'm in active search of a job!"_

"_Oh yeah? How do you do that while watching porn? Tell me, I'm curious."_

_And for the last couple of years, the little boy in his room called Juha Venäläinen had known nothing else._

(*)

"So, kid, whatcher name?"

"Vash Zwingli."

"It's spelled like this, right?" The recruitment officer pointed to the correct place on the tablet's screen.

"Yes."

"Born?"

"The first of August, 2339."

The officer whistled. "Eighteen years and five days? Typically they wait 'til they're nineteen. You in a hurry to get outsystem or sumthin'?"

"I see no point in wasting a year of my life."

"Just sayin', just sayin'. 'Kay, got sumthin' dug up from the databanks. This file correct?"

Vash gave the screen a cursory glance. The slot for 'biological father' was empty. "Yes."

The officer seemed to notice it, too. "Hmh? You a war chi-" "Yes." Vash gave the man a death glare. "I would think that's all the information you need."

"Well, yes. You can go now."

(*)

_Two weeks later_

"Hi, I'm Timo Väinämöinen. I'm from Suomi, Kontola, so my Standard isn't that good, but I hope you can understand me. I'm twenty years old and hold the rank of Senior Espatier. You will soon be considered Espatiers Basic, and after six months' service become Espatiers. Men, your barracks are there; as for the women they'll have to..."

Vash zoned out the Suomian. The people standing around him were about nineteen on average. Most were far taller than him, but hey, Yuri Gagarin had been chosen the first man to go to space because he was the only one small enough to fit in the capsule, right? Besides, the suspiciously young-looking (he could have passed for fifteen with the right clothes) Espatier Väinämöinen wasn't that tall, either.

"...and the urine dump is at 4:30 shipboard time. It's actually very nice to watch, I recommend witnessing it wholeheartedly." He paused. "You are dismissed. If you already forgot where your barracks are, I'll be very disappointed. Good day, Espatiers Basic." With that, Senior Espatier T. Väinämöinen turned and left.

"Hmn. That was short", the blonde on his right remarked, "Quite frankly, I was expecting for him to drone for a bit."

"Think of it this way: he knows what to say, when, and doesn't waste others' time."

At this point, Matthew Williams tried to join in on the conversation, but wasn't noticed.

"Oh! Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Emma Vandenvogt, from the countryside of Belje, Rikesia."

"Vash Zwingli, Neuort."

"So you're telling me which planet you're on? Wow, that's … specific, if you'll excuse my sarcasm."

"More specifically, I was born in the Eastern canton and spent most of my teenage years in Luftstadt and Dahnark."

"Erm, correct me if I'm wrong, but … isn't there quite a distance from any point in the Eastern canton to the canton of Dahnark?"

"Well, yes, but one word: stepfather."

"Oh! So, your mom moved all the way for love? How cute~"

"Uhh, actually, they met in Luftstadt, and moved to Dahnark for better-paying jobs they'd found through Mathias' relatives back there. And besides, better to have at least one set of relatives nearby."

"But- Oh wait, are you from the war zone?"

"Yes."

(At this point, Matthew Williams had wandered off and crashed into First Lieutenant Gilbert Beilshmidt, who could see him. Matthew was elated.)

"Oh! I- I'm terribly sorry if I offended you in any way, I truly didn't mean to."

"Don't worry, you didn't."

(*)

"Major Bonnefois?" the aide asked. "I have the latest stat rep on the Lyubanan invasion of Kontola."

Major François Bonnefois lifted his head up from his latest round of paperwork. You could see the accumulated stress on his face. "Yes, Kirova?" He glanced at the report. It was thin. Very thin. von Bock would never file anything that thin.

Kirova glanced around, as if someone else were there, willing to take on the task for her. Seeing as no-one was, she confirmed his worst fears.

"It's thin … but that's just because Espatier Eduard von Bock and Senior Espatier Erzsébet Héderváry are MIA, assumed captured or dead, and it's not like we can exactly land a search party to Udmurtia to investigate further. The powers that be expect a strategy from you by the day after tomorrow."

"Understood. You're dismissed."

With that, Petra Kirova left his office. François sighed. Senior Espatier Väinämöinen wouldn't like this – he'd just lost two cousins, after all – and the pathetic Supplies Coordinator Edelstein wouldn't either (then again, Erzsébet was his girlfriend, so he actually had a reason to be pissed off, unlike the time he'd reprimanded François for using up too many red roses).

François' stress levels had tripled within minutes of hearing the news. Retiring early, he realized he hadn't even touched the report. _Perhaps for the best,_ he thought. _Maybe I can actually get some sleep now._

* * *

><p>AN: Who is this mystery 'Mathias' stepfather person? Which country does he represent? Or is he -gasp- an _OC!_ Tune in next week to find out!

Oh who am I kidding. Mathias Køhler = Denmark.

And just for the curious, Vashkins' mom is Friederike "Fritzi" Køhler. Liechtenstein = Erika Vogel, their adopted kid.

The Story's Current Shape: Thriller/Romcom love child brought up by Science Fiction.

How I keep track of characters: StoryBook. It's a software for writing novels, but I'm just using it for my character files. OpenOffice FTW!

And I apologise for OOC!France, I just can't have him groping everything in sight while he's fighting an expy of the Cold War as a mortal, dammit!


	2. Kaksi pientä toivetta

Yes, I **am** still working on DePRA, thanks for asking.

And I just found out via Hetalia Archives that Swissypoo's human name should actually be _Basch_ Zwingli. Well, you can just pretend that "Vash" is a transliteration.

**My word processor runs on reviews.**

* * *

><p>"<em>Vash?" Fritzi Zwingli's voice implored from the door of her apartment.<em>

"_Yes mom", the preteen in question answered, exasperated, from his room._

"_Why don't you come out of your room and say hi to Mathias?"_

"_I've already met him. Plus, I really need to do my homework."_

"_Vash, stop being so rude. Besides, you're only eleven, you aren't supposed to act like a teen yet."_

"_Think of it this way: with me out of the way, you can go straight to the hugging-and-kissing part."_

_Mathias, who had up to now remained silent, made a futile attempt to cover his laughter. Fritzi rolled her eyes._

"_Nice son you've got there", Mathias commented after his giggly fit._

"_Yes", Fritzi replied with a sigh._

"_No, I mean it!"_

"_Hmh. Well, I'm going to cook something now. Tell Vash to come and help or he won't get any."_

"_Your wish is my command, Empress Friederike!" Mathias said with a bow, before walking over to __Vash's room._

_After knocking and receiving a "mm?" from the other side of the door, __Mathias opened it._

"_Vash, your mom says that if you don't come help her cook, you're going hungry."_

_Vash put his book down and followed Mathias in their five-meter trek to the sink._

"_Vash, mind chopping the meat? Mathias, you could get the wok vegetables out of the freezer", Fritzi said, preparing the pan and element._

"_Aww, do I have to? 'Cause I'd much rather just hug you", Mathias said, hugging Fritzi from behind. She sighed and motioned him to get off._

(*)

"We lost _another_ team to Lyubana? I _knew_ we shouldn't have trusted you with _anything_, git!"

"And since when have you been better, eyebrows?"

"My eyebrows aren't big, they're just dark!"

At that point the two of them noticed two of the three new recruits that were standing in front of them (so far, only First Lieutenant Beilschmidt had noticed Espatier Basic Williams) and hastily scuttered off to continue their argument.

"..."

"Our leadership is like _that_?" Vash spluttered disbelievingly.

"Well, maybe they're just good enough friends that they can tolerate that kind of bickering?"

"Maybe. Oh, and what were you saying about Aarons and the Very Traumatic and Humiliating Medical Check-up?"

"Apparently they conducted a full body examination and took all sorts of weird measurements."

"Like 'length of tongue'?"

"No, weird measurements like 'depth of prostate' and 'length of dick' and 'sperm count'."

"Ehm... Maybe it's going to some anonymous databank to figure out the averages for this stuff?"

"Well, sperm count _could_ be used as an indicator of radiation damage, too – oh, and Aarons said they had him strip naked as the first thing. In a cold room. With Supplies Manager Edelstein and three medical staff watching."

"Ouch", Vash commented, scrunching his face up in sympathy. "Any idea what the girls'll go through? Y'know, out of curiosity."

"Well, probably nudity in a cold room with Supplies Manager Edelstein and three medical staff. And some measurements en lieu of 'depth of vagina'."

"And embarrassing questions. Can't forget embarrassing questions."

"Yes, can't forget embarrassing questions."

(*)

After approximately a week, it was Vash's turn for the medical examination. He was currently waiting for Espatier Basic Pamela Yale to emerge from the examination room, dreading what was to come but dreading the wait even more.

When Yale finally emerged, she made a face after closing the door.

"Good luck. It's not that bad if you're someone who has a neatness OCD. And it's only one of the medstaff doing the poking around, one's writing the stuff down, the other's, along with the Supplies Coordinator, an observer", she advised, then gave him a matey slap on the shoulder and wished him good luck.

After an agonizing few minutes' wait, he was called in, and greeted by a bored-looking and rather robotic-sounding medic whose name was apparently Jemzadizn. They duly shook hands.

"Now, please remove your clothes – there's a hook for hanging the there – and stand on the scales", Jemzadizn said in his robotic monotone.

(*)

"So, how was your examination?" Emma asked. "Did they give you a seventy-page write-til-your-hands-drop attitude survey slash psychology research participation questionnaire?"

"Yes, right after poking around my anus looking for my prostate. Oh, and apparently I should weigh five kilos more."

"So how much do you weigh?"

"57 kilos."

"And your height was?"

"I … prefer not to talk about it."

"Aw c'mon, you're not _that_ short!"

"166.2 centimeters."

"One sixty-six? That's-"

"Point _two_!" Vash corrected.

"-one-and-a-half more than me. And if rumors are to be trusted, you're less than four centimeters smaller than Espatier Väinämöinen", Emma concluded.

"But _still_", Vash replied, exasperated, "I wanna grow! Everyone else is over one seven-five! Even the Vargas guy is taller than me. Sorta."

"Hey, guys have their growth spurt later. You'll overtake Vargas, I'm sure. I mean, he's what, twenty?"

"By the time I'm one seven-five, the Beilschmidts will be tall enough to break their skulls when they trip up", Vash muttered.

"Oh well- Hey! I thought there was only one Beilschmidt here. Who's the other one?"

"The two-meter really friggin' blond Ludwig. Taller than Gilbert, and way more likely to get a suntan."

"The only thing Gil's getting is sun_burn_. – Hey, how much did you weigh again?"

"55 kilos. The guy asked whether I had bulimia."

"... I'm at 60. Don't tell anyone", Emma said quietly, then said despairingly, "Now I feel fat!"

"So, you feel fat at being told that a sparrow-boned, anorexic, vertically handicapped guy weighs a bit less than you? Hello Emma Vandenvogt's weight concerns, I'd like to say that you're utterly and totally _wrong_."

Emma smiled at that. "Thanks, Vash. You're the best."

"Am not!" Vash replied, blushing. Emma merely smiled even more.

(*)

Later that evening Vash started on his paper stack.

"_You are free to skip questions, but please bear in mind that anything you write and anything you leave out can be used against you."_ How lovely.

"_Section One. __Answer these 20 questions on a nine-pont scale, with -4 being 'very strong disagreement' and +4 meaning 'very strong agreement'._

_1. We desperately need a mighty leader who will do what has to be done to destroy the radical new ways and sinfulness that are ruining us."_

Vash sighed and skipped forwards a bit. To his horror, one of the pages was devoted entirely to the question "What is your most common sexual fantasy? Please describe in detail". The preceding pages were also on sex and sexuality.

After reading the Sex & Sexuality section through, Vash set about answering the questions – considerably easier and less time-consuming than if he hadn't spent most of his life as something of a social recluse. Ah yes, the joys of virginity: not having to write a two-page essay on one's first time.

* * *

><p>Section One is measuring Right-Wing Authoritarianism (more on it here: htt p : /me mbe rs. Sha w.c a/j ean alt eme yer /dr bob /ch apt er1 .pdf [remove spaces]. The test is on p4)  
>When I took the test as Vash, the result was 86 (average in population ~90). However, as myself my results are much lower so my attitudes may have 'contaminated' the result.<p>

And if anyone finds the lack of backstory/explanations confusing, please drop a review.


	3. Drei neue Zeiten

So, one thing I forgot to explain: chapters will be named alternately in German and Finnish in the form of number-adjective-noun.

Ein einsamer Seele = One lonely soul

Kaksi pientä toivetta = Two small wishes

Drei neue Zeiten = Three new times

If the Google Translate German is fail, please notify me so I can correct it to something that makes sense.

Also, since StoryBook has this dinky little calendar thingy for each scene, every time the day changes, there'll be a date in MM. DD. YYYY format.

And I'll be using the official abbrevations for all Officer Ranks – otherwise my keyboard would start screaming in pain. Or kolkolkoling.

Warnings for mentions of rape, abuse, emotional violence and sex.

**My word processor runs on reviews.**

* * *

><p><em> Sat 23.08.2347<em>

"_Juha? I and Nikita are getting divorced. I think it's time for you to decide who you'll be living with."_

"_My cousin."_

"_No. It's either me, Ronja Söderström, or your father, Nikita Venäläinen."_

"_I don't want to live with either of you. All you do is argue."_

"_Hon, that's just with each other; the divorce will stop it, I promise. Now, who do you want to live with?"_

(*)

_ Thu 19.01.2350_

"_I... I don't want to be a Venäläinen or a Söderstöm. I hate my parents, I don't want to be associated with them. I don't want to be Juha Venäläinen anymore; I want to change it."_

"_To what?"_

_The boy paused to think. "Do you think … Timo Väinämöinen would sound good?"_

_Eduard sighed. His cousin was weird. "You'll have to wait until you're eighteen."_

"_That's only six years away. A bit less, actually."_

_Eduard shook his head._

(*)

Tue 31.12.2357

"Okay guys! I'm First Lieutenant Gilbert Beilschmidt, and this New Year's party is going to be _awesome!_"

"Oh, and this is a tradition; only gits who want to be thrown out don't participate", the thick-eyebrowed officer Vash had learned was Lieutenant Colonel Arthur Kirkland said.

"This is when you fraternize with _everyone_", Major François Bonnefois said enthusiastically.

"But please do remember the regulation: If any superior officer starts making the moves on you and doesn't stop when requested, you're perfectly entitled to slap them. Especially if they're Major Bonnefois", Lt Col Kirkland replied. Some people laughed, others clapped at this.

"Soo... _Let the party begin!"_ 1st Lt Beilschmidt shouted.

(*)

Wed 01.01.2358

"It's midnight in... Three... Two... One... NOW!" the people cheered, led by 1st Lt Beilschmidt.

Meanwhile, the (inebriated) Vash and Emma had managed to grab a table, and were fraternizing with a rather inebriated Suomian.

"New Year's is _always_ better with alcohol", Timo stated, then gave a creepy smile.

"I've never seen the point in celebrating the passing of another year. It makes me feel old", Vash said, "and makes me give up all hope of growing past one-seventy."

"Vash Zwingli, you are eighteen and a half. I'm twenty. You are _not_ old."

"Still, I'm vertically handicapped!"

"You are very lucky to have only your height to complain about", Timo said to Vash.

"Don't give me that spiel, mister! Do you know what it's like, having people accuse your mother of being a whore just because she was gang-raped by enemy soldiers at the tender age of eighteen? Having people accuse her of betraying the Eastern canton because she ended up pregnant from said gang-rape and couldn't get an abortion? Having people accuse you of being a monster, traitor, freak because you're the result of said pregnancy? Having people accuse your mother of sympathising with those horrible southerners because she didn't kill you as an infant?" Vash spat out, angry, tears in his eyes, then covered his mouth with his hand, in horror of all he'd just revealed. After a moment, he started trembling.

Senior Espatier Väinämöinen pulled him into his lap. "Shh. I'm sorry, I didn't know... If it makes you feel any better, my family wasn't that good, either. My parents didn't really get along with each other, and divorced when I was nine, then proceeded to practically abandon me after finding new dates."

"My family's so ordinary it's almost depressing", Emma said quietly, in a tone matching the sombre turn the conversation had taken.

(*)

Wed 01.01.2358 - 03:00 AM

"Why am I even hanging out with you?" Vash asked the person sitting opposite to him.

"Maybe it's because I'm so awesome?" said albino replied with a smirk.

Vash glared at him. _Though he does look attractive,_ Vash thought. _I wond- Inappropriate thoughts, stop there._

A while later he was about to reprimand himself for how his inappropriate thoughts had, in fact, kept on going, but then the albino those thoughts were concerned with leaned over and kissed him, causing those thoughts to spazz and do the chicken dance.

After the albino broke the kiss, Vash demanded: "Why did you do that?"

"Cause you're hot. Oh, wait, what was your name again?"

"Vash Zwingli. And you, sir, are drunk. As well as rude, you didn't even introduce yourself."

"You don't know me?" the albino asked. "There's a person here who doesn't know my awesome? I'm Gilbert Beilschmidt, First Lieutenant. But 'the Awesome' is also acceptable."

"Pfft. Idiot", Vash huffed. His words did not have their desired effect since he blushed deep red right afterwards due to the person the words were adressed to challenging him to a game of footsy under the table.

(*)

Wed 01.01.2358 – 06:00 AM

After three hours and two cases of alcohol overconsumption, Vash and Gilbert were still sitting on their earlier seats.

"Y'know, Gil, I wonder whatcha look like naked", Vash said, swaying a bit.

"Wanna find out?" Gilbert replied with his trademark smirk.

"Like totally YEAH!"

"Mmmm. My quarthersh are thisss wayy~!" Gilbert said, singing the last two words, getting up wobblily.

After ten minutes of drunken walking, they reached Gilbert's quarters. They weren't much more than a shelf of a bed at the far end and a chair and table shelf at the near end, but at least it wasn't communal like the non-officers' ones.

"So, shall we fuck?" Gilbert said, holding out his hand.

"Most certainly", Vash answered, taking the hand offered, then pulling Gibert into a heated kiss, during which all their clothes practically flew off under their own power and they somehow managed to find their way to the bed shelf, where they spent what seemed like hours making passionate, drunken love until they were both completely exhausted.

* * *

><p>A paragraph with 122 words? Whoo!<p>

Not very many end notes for this; but please review.

And you found out who this "Juha Venäläinen" guy was.


	4. Neljä lyhyttä kohtausta

Neljä lyhyttä kohtausta = four short scenes

This chapter does not start with a flashback. Yeah, I know, totally radical.

Warnings for language, sheer awkwardness.

* * *

><p>Wed 01.01.2358 14:00<p>

Vash was slowly waking up from his rather peaceful slumber when he noticed that he was, in fact, in the same bed as someone else, cuddling said person, and (again, along with said person) butt naked. After the few seconds it took for his brain to wake up, he shrieked, waking up the bed's other occupant.

"Who are you?" Vash demanded in a horrified tone, trying to hide behind the duvet.

"Gilbert Beilschmidt, First Lieutenant. Could you please let me sleep in peace now, I have one hell of a hangover."

Vash was going to snap at him for being rude, but was interrupted by the sudden pain brought by him changing posture. The next thing he realised was that his lower regions were … sticky.

"_Who the hell are you, taking advantage of me when I'm drunk? What did you think you were doing?"_ Vash yelled.

At that, Gilbert seemed to wake up. "Huh? Y'know, mister, I was fuckin' drunk, too. Anyway, I think yer clothes are on the floor, and the shower's thataway", he said, propping himself up on an elbow and waving his hand in the assumed direction of the shower. "Now, if you'll excuse me..." he finished, then dropped back onto the mattress and fell asleep.

(*)

_ Fri 21.09.2351_

"_I actually rather liked Luftstadt, y'know", Vash said to his mother._

"_We know, Vash, but Dahnark is much more friendly a place than Luftstadt. Plus the schooling system's better", Friederike Køhler (formerly Zwingli) said._

"_Well, where will we be living in Dahnark?"_

"_You forgot already?" Mathias piped in from Fritzi's other side. "It's Valby, near København, the capital."_

"_Köbenhamn?"_

"_Kay – o-strike – bee – ee – en – aitch – a – vee – en."_

"_Why can't they just umlaut the o like normal people instead of this slash thingy?"_

"_In Dahnark, people wonder why the southeners put dots on their vowels instead of writing them down like sane people as ø, æ and y as opposed to ö, ä and ü."_

_Vash sulked._

(*)

Mon 10.02.2358

"Vash, have you heard yet?" Emma asked as she walked to Vash's bed in the male (now-Espatiers') dorm.

"About what?"

"Apparently they've gotten a hint on where Kriegmann is-"

"After nearly two decades? I doubt it's valid. Besides, Kriegmann would be around fifty, no-one could identify him properly."

"Ever the pessimist. Anyway, there's talk of an Espatier team being sent to aid Interpol in capturing him."

"The military mixing up in a civilian operation? Wasn't that a big no-no?"

"Well, apparently everyone should take a shot at catching Kriegmann. Oh, and Lieutenant Colonel Kirkland asked me to deliver this to you", she said, handed Vash an envelope, and headed off.

Vash opened the envelope. It was orders.

"Espatier Vash Zwingli 01082339-VZ-M49, you are ordered to report to Dock region 19 ASAP. Bring with your essentials. Operation: Lyndon Bavaria, Classified."

(*)

In compliance to the orders he'd just received, Vash packed his small bag of toothbrush, slacks and spare uniform, then rushed to Dock region 19, where he was instructed to board the Zeitgeist, one of the main transluminal shuttlecraft ferrying people from the _Reimar Lüst_

Upon reaching the Zeitgeist's pod where operation Lyndon Bavaria's crew were housed, he stopped dead in his tracks.

The mission commander was the guy Beilschmidt from the New Year's party. At that moment, Vash wanted the floor to swallow him up and never release him.

"So, you've met?" the mission's third member said. Damn that Timo Väinämöinen, somehow managing to be present at all of Vash's embarrrassing revelations so far.

* * *

><p>This fic will now turn from Beginning Street onto Angst Avenue (located near Depression Boulevard and Tragedy Road). Unless it teleports to Comedy Plaza or something.<p>

Oh, and I've planned an epilogue of sorts – a collection of all the bilingual and historical bonuses hidden in the text, as well as some background information – basically my notes on the worlds these people inhabit. If, for whatever reason, you need more background to understand the main text, just drop a note in the reviews and I'll try to help.

The Reimar Lüst is the spaceship where most of the action up to now has been happening. (Reimar Lüst is an actual Real-Life person. He has a Wikipedia article: .org/wiki/Reimar_L%C3%BCst .)

Also, chapter five is almost written! Woohoo!


	5. Fünf Momente der Stille

Fünf Momente der Stille = Five moments of silence. Yeah, I'm gonna be more liberal with the titles from now on.

Everyone who reads this, please review. I've had VisayanSea review every/most chapter[s], but other than that, no-one. Anonymous reviews are enabled, so drop one if you're scared of dropping a signed one. I know I'm an ungrateful bitch for not responding to every review, but I just don't know how to respond in most cases since I'm really _really_ bad at interacting with people; the net helps but not much; however, I _do_ mentally squee in happiness at each and every one of them, so know they aren't in vain! [/run-on sentence]

* * *

><p>Mon 17.03.2358<p>

"_Fuck this ship!_" Vash yelled at the top of his lungs after the second week in their cramped cargo carrier.

"Only another five days", Timo said.

Their cargo carrier had been launched from the Zeitgeist after the latter had dropped out of hyperspace at the edge of the Gliese 229 system, the location of the planet of Manyū.

"You aren't alone in your sentiments", Gilbert said to Vash. "Hey, y'think we could open these instructions yet?"

"Well, seeing as we would greatly benefit from _actually knowing where we're going_, why not?" Timo answered.

"_Wait, we've been flying __**blind**__ the past few __**weeks**__?_" Vash screeched.

"Well, this ops _is_ secret, so..." Gilbert replied casually, flipping off the seal. He idly wondered when Black Ops was going to give up on analog.

"Okay! We'll be landing well behind enemy lines, just on the Cíqì side of the Hánguó-Cíqì border. We'll contact a, well, contact in the nearby town of Xiaōfáng, which is near the Lyubanan hideout of the Xiāohuĭ-Sĭwáng town complex. Then we … spy, I guess", Gilbert finally concluded.

"Erm... Aren't we going to stick out like a sore thumb?" Vash asked. "I mean, we're pale and blond, and the locals are yellowish-brownish and black-haired. Did they really have no better-suited agents for the mission?"

"Relax, kiddo, these parts used to have _tons_ of immigrants from elsewhere. Actually, the Cíqì capital Dìyī-Chéng was, bar Luftstadt, the city which accepted the most refugees from Kriegmann's campaign. Plus, Lyubana is right next door, Kontola's close, and there's a _ton_ of demand for Manyū goodies. We won't stick out _nearly_ as much as if we lot went to, say, those microstates on Kontola."

"Besides, we've got disguises", Timo added.

(*)

_ Fri 05.10.2351_

_Vash looked up into the sky. Their sun, Gliese 203, was setting. On these occasions he often found himself thinking about how things would be if different things had happened._

_Those thoughts inevitably led to the fact that if Kriegmann hadn't happened, Vash wouldn't have happened, but he'd learnt to quickly push those thoughts aside._

_However, for now, Vash was lying on his back on the grass, eyes closed, and pondering his new sister Erika. She might've been adopted, (trying to have a baby when one already had a teenage kid wouldn't be very smart) but she actually looked a lot like Vash._

_Gliese 203 was beginning to set. Moving from Luftstadt to here had brought them closer to the temperature levels of where he and his mother had grown up on the Arbrette mountains. The seasonal shift in day length was more easily noticeable, though. The Arbrettes were just south of the equator, after all; Valby and København far north of it._

"_Vash?" a small voice called to him from quite near. He came back to reality with a start. Only his mother had the right to sneak up on him like that, dammit!_

_He turned around to look at the interruption. Erika._

"_Yes?" he asked her._

_She blushed a bit. "May- may I sit here?"_

"_Of course", he replied automatically._

_As she sat down Vash couldn't help but notice how beautiful her braids looked in the reddish sunlight. That someone could have mistreated her (apparently she'd been locked in a cellar for a month, amongst other things) was incomprehensible._

_After some time spent gazing at the sunset, Erika suddenly leaned against Vash, and he leaned back. The residual sunlight was just giving way to stars._

(*)

Sun 23.03.2358

"Here we are in Xiaōfáng!" Gilbert shouted. "Now where's Gliese 229B? Isn't it supposed to be bright enough to be seen during evenings like this one, too?"

"It's in conjunction, idiot", their contact (or rather one of them) said.

"That means it's on the other side of the sun", the other one helpfully added.

"Erm, who exactly are you?" Timo enquired. "I'd like to know your names."

"I'm Li Xiao Chun", the more helpful of their contacts said, "she's Xiao Mei."

"I can introduce myself, you know", Mei snapped.

Completely out of the left field, Vash realized that that peach shirt thingy she was wearing looked absolutely hideous on her. Especially since she had a hot pink flower in her hair.

"I know", Chun replied to her.

Then Vash realized that Mei was (much) shorter than him and had to restrain himself from doing a victory dance on only being the second-shortest person present.

(*)

It was a warm evening on Manyū. Around 0.15 astronomical units away, Gliese 229 was shining its reddish light on the planet, ready to set. Plants that appeared brown were growing on both sides of the path, like a cross between grass and kudzu, as it probably was. Vash might have been used to slightly red-tinted light, but Manyū's Gliese 229 was much smaller and therefore cooler and redder than Neuort's Gliese 203. Add to that the three hours of walking they'd done and the fact that Neuort's gravity was _much_ less than Manyū's and you had one very exhausted Vash.

Apparently, Li Xiao Chun cared enough to ask about Vash's panting. Thankfully Timo answered for him, seeing as he was completely out of breath. "You've got to remember that of the five colony worlds, Neuort has the lowest mass and Manyū the highest by far."

"Well how come he hasn't been adapted then?" Mei snapped. "Albino there isn't exactly having problems."

"My awesomeness has graced, well, Neuort, Kontola, Manyū and Rikesia", Gilbert said. "Vashypoo hasn't exactly gone anywhere except Neuort and the Reimar Lüst, which is kept at Kontola gee."

"Just in case you haven't heard, Kontola has the second-lowest gravity", Timo added.

"I knew that already", Mei snapped.

"Well, I didn't, so it has served a purpoise", Chun stated.

Vash, meanwhile, had used this interlude to sit down on the ground and catch his breath.

* * *

><p>Okay, about Neuort and Gliese 203: Gliese's smaller and less luminous than the Sun; Neuort is a lot colder than the Earth.<p>

Erika [Vogel] = Liechtenstein

[Li Xiao] Chun = Hong Kong

[Xiao] Mei = Taiwan

And yes, I do know where this story's going romantically.

**IMPORTANT: **Does anyone know the proper way of marking transliterations of Chinese? Ie, is that one tone marked as ǐ or ĭ? (Look closely. There is a difference.) I've been using the latter, but if someone who actually knows stuff would be so kind as to contact me, I'd be _very **very**_happy.

As for important plot developments and such, next chappy's going to have a wham in it.


	6. Kuusi kuusta kuusta

Ị̣ ḷịḳẹ̣̣̣ ̣p̣ụṭṭịṇg̣ ̣ḍọṭṣ ̣ụṇḍẹṛ ḷ̣ẹṭṭẹṛṣ̣.̣̣̣ ̣

Warning: the following file contains _actual Cyrillic_, not just the faux style that makes me want to murder the people responsible even more than ëẍcëss ümläüẗs àñď öťḩěř êẍćęşś ďĭáćŗîẗïćŝ.

* * *

><p>"All right, this is the place you'll be staying", Li Xiao Chun said, stopping at a smallish, one-storey house, painted reddish brown, just like all the other houses in the low-density suburb they were in.<p>

"We live down the road, yadda yadda, all the items you need will be discreetly delivered tomorrow morning. Now, I'll assume none of you are stupid enough to need a guided tour?" Xiao Mei asked with a condescending smile.

"Nah, we're _awesome!_" Gilbert half-shouted.

"...I see. Well, good night", Mei said.

"Good night", Chun said, and the two of them walked off.

(*)

Timo was moderately tired from the trip, so he went to sit on the stool in the far corner of the room to contemplate. Gilbert was trying to pick an argument with Vash, who was too tired to respond and thus just collapsed on the floor.

All of this lasted about ten seconds, after which there was a huge "KABOOM!"

(*)

Timo blinked. He could hear speech. Yelling, in fact.

After he'd shaken his head, he peeked out from under he slab of wall that had landed on him. Miraculously, he hadn't been crushed.

Gilbert, the source of the yelling, was being held by two soldiers in Lyubanan uniforms, with another ten or so soldiers standing or looking around, their green-and-black uniforms doing a good job in their intended purpose of generating terror. Their leader had green eyes and longish brown hair, with a face far too young to be in this war. Straining his eyes a bit, Timo could just about make out the nametag: "Т. Лоринаитис".

This T. Laurinaitis opened his mouth and said, "All right, Mr. Beilschmidt is accounted for, Mr. Zwingli appears to be dead", he nodded to the floor, "where is Mr. Väinämöinen?"

Timo only barely heard the questioned soldier's reply of "no idea". His attention had gone to what had, until now, been just a dust pile in his mind. Now, it was Vash Zwingli, his comrade in arms, perhaps even considerable as his protégé, mortally wounded.

(*)

It felt like eons before the Lyubanan soldiers left. After that, it was eons before Timo's paranoia had subsided enough for him to come out of hiding.

Vash wasn't in quite as bad a condition as he'd feared. Which was to say, his body was still whole, with no massive, gaping wounds. That still didn't change the fact that he was sprawled on the ground on his back, limbs askew, like some broken doll discarded by a giant child, covered in dirt and his own blood.

After picking the too-light Vash up, Timo carried him out, towards where their cargo carrier was hidden.

Timo had no idea how long he'd been walking. Gliese 229 was not moving in the sky, so his only way of keeping time was by his panting and his pounding heart, both sent into overdrive every time his adrenaline-saturated brain imagined the snapping of a twig or the persistant sensation of someone breathing down his neck.

When he finally arrived at the cargo carrier, Timo hurriedly scampered in and dumped Vash in the medbox at the back of the ship, then launched. No point trying to recover Gilbert or contact Mei and Chun: either they were already dead, or they were the ones who'd sold them out in the first place.

After the ship was safely past orbit and heading off to the deepest reaches of space, Timo finally allowed himself to look at the medbox's status. ''Patient in stable condition. Need more resources to successfully cure.''

Alive. Vash was alive.

(*)

Thu 03.04.2358

"So, how is he?" Emma Vandenvogt asked the _Reimar Lüst_'s Medical Officer (whose job mainly was to monitor all the medboxes and compile monthly reports, but he still got paid twice as much as anyone on his staff).

"The bastard should be waking up this week", he said, probably using the word as an insult, rather than an observation on the marital status of Vash's biological parents.

Then, "Lovino~ Where are you, my darling tomato~?" began echoing through the medical section, and said Medical Officer made a hasty exit.

Sure enough, about a minute later Antonio Fernández Carriedo ran past Timo and Emma, calling for his "tomato".

"Tomato...?" Emma wondered, shaking her head.

"My thoughts exactly", was all Timo could reply.

(*)

Sat 05.04.2358

It was dark. Very dark. In fact, it was so dark it reached some kind of trademarkable level of Darkness.

Then Vash opened his eyes, and it turned into being just almost-dark. Ah, the insides of a medbox. He'd heard about them, those mechanical creatures, curing the uncurable, taking care of all simple procedures and operations, removing the need to have doctors do absolutely all of curing themselves, those wonderful inventions– Vash's thoughts were interrupted by the lid opening.

"Vash, darling, you're awake", the oh-so-familiar voice of Friederike Køhler stated.

"Most certainly, O Mother!" Vash called out in response.

"And what drugs exactly have you given him?" Friederike half-muttered, half-asked someone.

That someone's response was "He should be normal in a few hours. Just put up with him for a while, okay?" Footsteps. Ah, that someone was exiting!

(*)

Emma knocked on the wall next to the opening to Vash's room, then asked: "Hi! Vash's coworkers here, may we come in?"

"Of course", Mathias replied.

"_Mathias?" _Timo asked incredulously, looking past Emma. It was Mathias, all right.

"Juha? It's been what, seven years? Well, nice to see that you've found yourself a job."

"Waittaminute... _Seven_ years?" Emma spluttered out.

"Erm, I kinda ran away from home at thirteen", Timo explained. "And Mathias, I've since changed my name to Timo Väinämöinen."

"So, you managed to run away from home at thirteen? From your name I'd guess you're Kontolan, so... you stowed away on an interstellar transport?" Friederike said. "I raise my hat for you, mister."

"Erm... Well..." Timo stuttered, blushing.

"Oh! We forgot to introduce ourselves!" Emma exclaimed suddenly. "I'm Emma Vandenvogt. Espatier. I'm from Rikesia."

"I'm Timo Väinämöinen, Senior Espatier from Suomi, Kontola."

"I'm Mathias Køhler, Fritzi's husband and Vashypoo's stepdad."

"My name, 'tis not being 'Vashypoo'!" Vash shouted from the medbox. Everyone looked at him for a moment.

"Apparently he'll be back to normal in an hour or so", Friederike said. "I'm Friederike Køhler, née Zwingli, Mathias' wife and Vash's mother."

"Oh, Ju- erm, Timo?" Mathias asked.

"Yes?"

"You _did_ get Berwald to leave you alone, didn't you?"

"Yes. It only took three changes of adress and changing my legal name to have him gone."

Friederike took a long look at her husband. "Is this Berwald perhaps the same Berwald Öxenstierna who's two meters tall, can't speak coherently, looks like he's perpetually ready to kill someone and is your nephew?"

"Yes."

Friederike shook her head.

* * *

><p>AN: (Yeah, I ship A with N. So does over half of this site.)

No, Erika Vogel (=Liechtenstein) wasn't there.

Timo ran away due to his parents being pretty much assholes.

When Timo ran away to Neuort, Mathias (26) was babysitting his nephew Berwald (14) and his other nephews Lukas (12) and Emil (9) Bondevik. Thus, the Nordics' birthdays would be: Mathias: 5.5.2325; Berwald: 6.6.2336; Timo: 6.12.2337; Lukas: 17.5.2338; Emil: 17.6.2341.

Current status: Gilbo has been captured by the Lyubanan forces, Timo hopes Berwald won't turn up, and Vashypoo's suffering from drug-induced Victorian Novel Speech Syndrome. Tune in next update for more angst and other shiny butterflies!


End file.
